Underneath It All
by Sabyn1993
Summary: Companion story to Moving On. Takes place a few months after Edward finds Bella's song: "Escape The Rain". Edward's POV


I watched her push away strands of hair that were covering her face. I watched her take the covers off from her, I watched her sigh in her sleep... just like I had done a hundred times before. Like the other hundred of nights, she had no idea I was watching her, nor was she aware of the thoughts that were passing through my mind. Nor did I have the intention to let her know.

I watched her smile and mumble another man's name and my heart broke all over again. The pain I felt at that moment was almost unbearable but I managed to stay where I was, my eyes never leaving her no-longer-so-frail body; that body I had held so much time before.

Her body was no longer that of a girl, but that of a woman. She was even more beautiful than before; it seemed to me that she was graced with more beauty every single day, yet, everyday it still surprised me, over and over again. I watched her breathe, listened to her even heartbeat and I knew that if it was possible for the depiscable creature that I was to cry, then there was no doubt I would be crying right now. I wanted so much to be able to, for things to be so easy, for even a little sadness to cause those drops of water to leave my eyes. I would be crying rivers by now; but even as the sobs threatened to overcome me, I forced them back, because I didn't want to leave just yet. For a little over four hours now I would be able to continue to make believe. I would be able to continue imagining that she was still mine, that I hadn't lost her yet.

The piercing pain through my chest made it impossible for me to breathe. I couldn't care less at that moment; I didn't need to breathe. Because I was dead. I died more than 90 years ago but my heart truly stopped beating a little less than 2 years ago.

I ignored whatever was ripping at my chest, I ignored the millions of knives stabbing at my heart, which, even dead, couldn't stop feeling. I shut out everything else and kept gazing at her. I didn't want her to wake up. For these 4 hours remaining she was _mine. _

I finally broke down, not knowing when it happened or what caused that reaction from me. Sobs rocked my body like never before and I crumbled to the floor, a hand at my chest, trying so fiercely to feel my heart beating beneath my palm, so as to be able to tell myself that none of this was real; I hadn't lost Bella but I hadn't known her as well. I couldn't stop the atrocious thought that flew through my mind at lightning speed: _wouldn't it have been better?_

I was about to cry out, similar to a howl at the moon, the last breath left in the body of a near-dying, when I heard something that made me catch my breath, even though that was physically impossible, for I wasn't even breathing. Bella mumbled something I had given up the hope that she ever would, it was so devastating, such pain stabbing at my heart again.

"Edward?"

I had disappeared before she even opened her eyes.

I went back to my house and couldn't control the thoughts that were flowing in my head again.

Why did I choose to let it all go? After all this time, how could I have given up something so extraordinarily beautiful, how could I let the sweetest of dreams slip away...

Everything was so unfair. It was so unfair that I couldn't cry, that I couldn't even grieve properly for my lost love.

And to know that all that happened was caused by my own hands, that I choose to inflict such destructive pain on myself... I had no idea what I was going to do. What_ could_ I do? There was nothing left for me on this earth. Nothing was worth this torture.

It was as if my sole existence had lost its whole meaning, like... my heart had stopped beating. All over again. I knew it was a drastic decision back then, to take the life out of me, but after all this mess, what was left anymore?

Sometimes I lay down and got lost in my mind, lost in thoughts of what could have happened, had I not decided to leave Bella, or had I come back before she fell in love with Jacob. Wasn't our love meant to be? It didn't seem that way anymore. Those months I spent with her was recorded in my mind, like a wonderful movie you didn't want to forget. It seemed that I would never know what could have happened. Nothing would ever be the same anymore. I would never get to hold her, to kiss her soft lips, to see her eyes light up and her heart speed up as soon as she became aware of my presence. Now that I had lost everything, all of that seemed to be so long ago, and so near at the same time. I couldn't seem to make up my mind.

I had tried to force back the decision that I knew was imposing itself within me, but I didn't have the strength to fight it off.

_I love you, Bella. I always will. _

I was about to step through the door when Alice walked in.

"Hey," She smiled a bit. She was the only one who knew of my nightly visits to the Swan Residence, the only one I couldn't hide anything from, however much I wanted this to remain unknown from anyone but me. I tried to smile back but I knew it resembled much more a grimace than anything else. I thought she was still angry with me so I was surprised when she came to hug me. I wrapped my arms around her and I drew comfort from her body, feeling a little less lonely.

"I've got this for you," She said when I pulled back. I looked down as she handed me a small envelope with my name upon it, and the smell of Bella hit me. This seemed like the most beautiful gift on such a rainy day. I smiled and looked up at Alice, but she was already gone.

_Edward,_

_ I've been running everything over and over in my head almost a hundred times since you've come back. I look so happy, so carefree, but deep down, I am not. No one will ever know that apart from you. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling. I know. I know everything. I see it in your eyes everytime you look at me, everytime you think I'm not looking back. I know you are hurting because of me; because of my choice and because of what we cannot be. I think you will never know how truly sorry I am. Words do not measure up to my pain, to my desperation. I wanted everything to be alright, everything to work out for everyone; but I know that is not possible. I know it can't work out for the three of us. For all of us. I am sorry for everything. For the tears that are staining this letter right now and for all the pain that I've caused you. I wish all of this never had to happen. I wish we could work it out, find some way... but it's not the case. _

_I love you so much but I have to let you go because this is where I belong. I've made my choice and even though it seemed easy to everyone around me, it wasn't. It was not easy at all to let you go, to choose Jacob. I wanted you both; and I knew I couldn't have it. _

_Carlisle explained that you think you didn't have a soul on my 18th birthday, and that was why you didn't want to change me. He said that you didn't want me to lose my soul. It's incomprehensible how you can believe such a thing, how you can believe that you do not have a soul. You are such an extraordinary person. You are so … everything. You have the most beautiful soul ever. Never forget that. _

_As for me, I'm moving on steadily, step by step. No words can describe the way I am feeling right now, how torn and empty I feel; because I cannot understand anything. I cannot understand what I am doing, why these things had to happen, and why I had to hurt you in the process of being happy. You always said that I was difficult to read, whereas Jacob said the opposite. He's wrong. He is not aware of the battle going on within me everytime I look at you and back at him. You are both wonderful, and I love you both so much; it's so hard to have to choose between you. Such pain I have inflicted on you shouldn't be experienced. Nothing should ever be this way. It shouldn't be so hard. Life shouldn't be so hard; but I guess it's just the way it is. I guess if we had everything easily, then we wouldn't really be living. If everything was perfect, I wouldn't have learned to appreciate what I have with Jacob for what it is. I love him more than I can say. I only know that even you're wonderful, I have to move on. You and I had something beautiful but so dysfunctional. Near to him I am healing, and even though it's taking so long, I know this is where I belong. Him and I have something different and I am enjoying it cautiously. I know very well everything can be taken away from me any minute, that one second I could have everything, and the next, nothing. I have learned to grow up. I have learned to live. I can never enough tell you how sorry I am. It was hard to move on; it still is. _

_I guess my choice was already made. Jacob is the safe choice, the easiest, the best. It's so easy to be with him, it's so right that it takes my breath away. That someone like him can love me back is... extraordinary; and I can't believe how lucky I am, and even though everything is so messed up, I know it's the right way to live. It was always so. It's hard to get back to how I used to be, before us, before everything. Deep down I know it will never be the same. I will never be how I was because I have met the most extraordinary people somewhere I didn't even want to come in the first place, somewhere I hated, somewhere I thought was the worst place on earth. Turns out it's the best place on earth. Turns out it was how things were meant to be. _

_Have I explained everything yet? Am I done? Is that all you get? A letter explaining my choice, my reasons and my utter devotion for you? I feel guilty for even thinking one second that you could move on, for even imagining that your feelings were less powerful than you said they were. I sincerely hope that everything turns out okay for you, that you find someone you love and that... I don't even know what I want. I just want you to be happy. To be as happy as I am. Because I am happy. I've never been so happy in all my life. You were right. I have no idea if I deserve the life you offered me when you left, but I know it's for the best. I also know that I am not better off without you; I can never be better off without you. I need you. I love you. But it's not the same anymore. I don't even know if you will read this letter. I don't even know if you understand what I am trying to say, if I am expressing myself clearly enough. Here comes the tears again. I'm sorry. I just feel so lost right now. I can't believe I am doing what I am doing. Jacob is sleeping in the bed behind me, but I need to finish this letter. I need to tell you that I know everything; that I hope you will get the life you deserve, that you will be happy. I am trying my best to be good for Jacob; to be something he deserves... but deep down I know he loves me, however messed up I may be. This is what love is, after all? Someone who loves you however horrible you may be to him? Someone that you don't ever want to hurt, someone you want to spend each and every day waking next to... someone so wonderful it's impossible to live without him. _

_I am a trainwreck, and maybe that's the only thing I am; but he loves me and I love him. And I wanted to thank you for giving me this life, for ever caring enough to do all the things you did for me. I will never forget you and I will forever be grateful; I will forever love you. For everything single thing you are. _

_Love,_

_Bella_

I took a shaky breath. The idea of going to The Volturi suddenly seemed so stupid. I wished Bella was right, that I could really have the hope that someday I would find someone whom I would love more than I loved her; but even as the thought crossed my mind, I shook my head, for it was very, very false. Who knew, though? I had no idea I would find someone as extraordinary as Bella, I had never thought I would fall in love. So I would live, waiting for that even more extraordinary person... even if it took another hundred years.

I folded the letter and put it in my front pocket. This was something that I would forever cherish. More than she would ever know.

**Emotional chapter, huh? Review to tell me what you thought of it. It counts a lot! Thank you :)**


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